If all the unread pages of me were bound together, a publisher would ask for heavy edits.
I can't find my edges sometimes,
It feels like I am a lot of books piled over and I'm frantically searching for bookends,
I haven't found my bookends.
I think a lot. I think a lot because my brain never sleeps. My brain never sleeps because it is busy telling me what a piece of shit I am.
Some days, I believe my brain. Some other days, I tell myself I am a valid, nice human being. Those days I also tell myself I will believe it some day.
It is hard being me. If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'd throw the shoes in a ditch and set fire to them for good measure.
Some days, when I smile a lot, it hurts my face. I wonder if it can be made into a meme. Memes make it easier. I laugh at my struggles, at unemployment, at debt, at the debilitating desire to take my own life. I don't want to die. I want to not live.
I want to not live because my living is just being alive.
My living is a perpetual explosion of feelings that I feel in my bones as much as my head. I feel it in my heart when it thumps and beats against the ribs, straining to be set free.
My living is pain. My living is my pain, your pain, my pain at feeling your pain and then feeling your pain at seeing me in pain at your pain. Did that sound okay to you? It made perfect sense to me.
My living is doing the right things even when it kills me. Listening to how strong I am, although I don't have a choice. If I am not strong, I am dead. I hear people don't want me dead. Some days, I tell myself I am strong. Those days, I tell myself I'll believe it in a while.
So, I play the living. I play human. I play smiles and I play wisdom. I play make up, I play hair, I play daughter, sister, friend. I play the person who is not dead. I play the person who is still fitting into the clothes she outgrew a long time ago, still trying to fit into a life she outgrew long ago. I play, and some days, I have fun.
So, if all the unread pages of me were bound together, I would still be a few pages missing.
